


if i'm being honest

by aphantasiac



Series: The Jankie/Dodie Series [4]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Depression, F/F, Highschool AU, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurities, Lesbian AU, Song Inspired, if i'm being honest by dodie clark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:34:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23890138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphantasiac/pseuds/aphantasiac
Summary: "could you love this? will this one be right? well, if i'm being honest, i'm hoping it might."aka jackie struggles with her own demons. jan might just be the angel she needs.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: The Jankie/Dodie Series [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704244
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	if i'm being honest

**Author's Note:**

> this one was surprisingly difficult to write and it kinda frays at the end (because its 4am and im tired and running out of ideas) but here it is! also, i realize my writing is a little inconsistent, im still trying to figure out how i like to write and such. but enjoy!

Jackie brushes her teeth thoroughly. Untangles the thick knots in her hair carefully. Moisturizes her skin gently. Stares at herself in the bathroom mirror thoughtfully.  
  
She turns her head to one side, puts a smile on her lips, pops out a hip to pose in the reflection. She quickly decides she doesn't like that. and so she tries the other side. It doesn't do it for her either, and she's left staring at heavy eyes and frowning lips. Jackie knows it's not the angle that's wrong. It's her. It the dark bags under her eyes. that only get worse every night she forgoes sleep to study an extra hour or two. It's the spots of acne and other imperfections that pop up on her face thanks to teenage hormones. It's the paleness of her skin and the bushiness of her eyebrows and the awkward way she smiles.  
  
Jackie's not ugly. She doesn't think she's ugly, but she doesn't feel particularly beautiful a lot of the time. She's surely no Jan; the blonde radiates beauty no matter what she's wearing, where she is, or how she feels.  
  
An angel carved from the finest marble, who's laying in Jackie's bed right now.  
  
The last week has been so calm for the both of them. Jan deflated like a balloon after that day in the choir room, and then slowly blew back up into herself. Jackie watched it all, was there to wipe Jan's tears when she fell, and was there to see them sparkle when she finally rose back into herself. There's no drama, no fights, no wrongs in their little world as each day passes by. The most gossip Jackie hears from Jan's side of things is news and theories about Nicky and Sakura's blooming relationship, which reminds Jackie somewhat of their own.  
  
Jan is doing well, and Jackie is okay most of the time.  
  
When Jackie has had enough of looking at her reflection, she flicks off the bathroom light and pads quietly back into her room, careful not to wake the still sleeping girl wrapped up in pale orange sheets. She's changed positions since Jackie got up. Before, she was sprawled out with the covers kicked off. Now she's curled back up in the light covers, and has wrapped her body around Jackie's pillow.  
  
Jackie's lips turn up at the corner, because even when she's sleeping, she's still so damn adorable.  
  
Jan had come over after school yesterday, as she had been doing every day that she didn't have soccer practice. Jan makes herself at home, curls up in what she has declared as her side of Jackie's bed. She pulls up Jackie's Netflix, which is now sprinkled with shows that Jan watches that Jackie would probably have never watched if it wasn't for the younger girl. And she always steals one of Jackie's shirts. She must have a collection at home of old t-shirts that Jackie doesn't wear anymore. Jan occupies herself while Jackie is busy filling in the packet of homework from her advanced classes. The sun had set by the time Jackie finished and the light was slowly draining out of her room, and when she packed up her things and turned around, Jan was sound asleep in her bed already. So Jackie just let her stay, crawled in beside her and fell asleep to the soft sound of Jan's content snores.  
  
Jackie had gone to sleep feeling amazing, but when she woke up she just felt less than that.   
  
Jackie awkwardly slips back into the little space Jan has left her in the already small bed. She stirs a bit, shifts over so Jackie can slide under the cover and sit up against the head board. She mumbles something, Jackie can't understand it, and then she moves up until her head is resting in Jackie's lap and the brunette gets the message, starts running her fingers in knotted locks of blonde.  
  
The moment is soft and it makes Jackie smile, and for a moment she could see herself waking up to this girl every day. She could imagine herself waking up with her arms around Jan every morning, giving her sweet morning kisses around her face and reminding her how breathtaking she is. She could get up and make her a fresh cup of coffee with way too much sugar in it to be even remotely healthy, and they could spend their lazy days tangled up in each other  
  
Jackie wants all of that so bad. She keep the hope that one day that could be their reality. Her chest twists and tightens with the unbearable need to express these things to Jan. But every time Jackie builds herself up to say it, stacks the little bit of confidence she has on that desire, the poisonous thoughts invade her brain tear apart what she's built up.  
  
Jan is perfection, and therefore deserves perfection. Jackie is anything but perfect. Really, this morning, the thoughts in her head have left her feeling disgusted with herself.  
  
"Shhhh."  
  
Jackie looks down, an annoyed hush from the blonde in her lap pulling her attention. "I didn't say anything."  
  
Jan lifts her head, half opens her eyes and looks at Jackie with a frown.  
  
"Your brain is very loud. I can hear you thinking."   
  
Jackie scoffs. "Yeah, right."  
  
Jan yawns and rolls off of Jackie's lap back into her own space. Her feet kick the sheets off again and Jackie feels the chilly air on her legs. She watches Jan stretch her body out, her legs flexed and does pointed, and her fingers reaching far over her head. The large t-shit Jackie stole from Jackie the previous day rides up, revealing her pale thighs and Jackie has to look away now. She does, and a moment passes, and she looks back and Jan is now sitting up next to her.  
  
"It's true! Okay maybe not literally, but you stopped playing with my hair so I figured you were distracted by something up in that pretty head of yours." Jan says with a shrug of her shoulders. She then leans forwards, and pokes Jackie's nose. "It's cute though!"   
  
Jackie's nose crinkles and her cheeks get warm. Jan has also, for the past day or two, started to drop comments that were very flirtatious in nature. Well, at least Jackie thinks they're flirty. Twice already Jan has stopped her in the hallway at school just to tell her that her hair looks nice, and she'll twirl her own blonde locks around a finger while she does so. Or, one day in the car on their way home, Jan couldn't stop talking about how pretty and pink Jackie's lips looked with her new lipstick.   
  
It could all just be niceties. Jan genuinely thinking her hair looks nice or the shade of lipstick suits her. But then she does this thing with her eyes. She'll gaze a little too long, chestnut brown eyes framed by fluttering wispy lashes that draw Jackie in. But as soon as Jackie's hooked, Jan will just smile and continue with whatever she had been doing the moment before.   
  
And Jackie does love it. She will buy into it every time, because hearing those words from Jan, seeing the intent behind her eyes, it make's Jackie feel good. And if she's in a really good mood, and her heart isn't pounding so loud in her chest that she can't hear her own thoughts, she'll throw some comments back that have that same suggestive undertone, and is more than proud at the way Jan will fumble just slightly in her words when she does.  
  
Jackie's head always has more than a couple of negative thoughts about herself swimming in there, and really they've always been there, but recently she's noticed that Jan's compliments provide a sort of relief from her own brain. Jan will say her outfit looks good, or her makeup is flawless, and she will really feel it. If Jan, queen of being absolutely gorgeous, thinks something is pretty, Jackie believes it must be. So the flirting has helped her confidence some. But on some days, especially the days when Jackie's feeling especially low and it's harder to believe her, it feels much more like she's a balloon with a hole in it that Jan is desperately trying to blow up.   
  
"Hey."  
  
Jackie's eyes refocus into the present, and Jan is looking at her with the gentlest of smiles.  
  
"You're doing it again."  
  
Jackie rolls her eyes, can't fight the way her lips curl up. "Whatever, you want coffee or not?"  
  
\- - - - - - - -   
  
"Girl, she is totally into you." Heidi says like it's a fact, leaning on the lockers next to Jackie while she packs away unessential books and notebooks into her locker.  
  
Jackie spent the better half of their chemistry class unloading all of those thoughts and feelings she had all weekend to Heidi. She reminds herself that she should just get a diary or journal for these things, but Heidi doesn't seem to mind. She is always open to hear what Jackie's mind has come up with, good or bad, and she always give the best, most honest and straightforward advice. Jackie will always be thankful to have a best friend like Heidi.   
  
Jackie sighs while she slides a history textbook into the small locker. "She is not."  
  
"But you're in love with her."  
  
Jackie bites at the inside of her lip. Of course she's in love with Jan. That's obvious, if not to Jan, it is to everyone else. She's been starstruck by the girl since they day they met. Those feelings did die down during the years they weren't speaking, but now that they've really reconnected, she can't get Jan off her mind. She can't stop thinking about how big Jan's heart is, how she just pours love and goodness out of her soul, and how sweet she is to Jackie, how much she trusts her. She can't stop thinking about they way Jan looks at her with those dazzling eyes, smiles and drops a flirty comment to make Jackie's head spin and her words stutter like the love struck teen she is.   
  
Jan has also started to sleep over much more often, at least twice a week. Jackie notices Jan cuddling up closer to her on the nights she stays, not that Jackie's complaining.  
  
"I see the way you look at her, Jackie! You are pining hard for that little barbie doll!" Heidi laughs and Jackie rolls her eyes, closes her locker door and pops the lock back on. Heidi always saw right through her, every single time. "Go get some, Miss Cox!"  
  
Jackie huffs, smiles a little because she knows Heidi is just trying to cheer her up. "It's not that simple."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I don't know....It just feels like a lot happening really quick. And it's lovely and all but..."  
  
Her voice dims out at the end, and her eyes fall to the floor. It is happening quick, they went from not talking to seeing each other every day, going to Jackie's house and cuddling with each other while they scrolled through Netflix, and now they're flirting. It's very quick and as much as Jackie is loving it, it makes her feel sick. It's like she's on a roundabout at the playground and it just goes faster and faster until she's dizzy. It's fun, but can also be nauseating.  
  
"It's a lot, and you know...maybe she deserves someone better that-"  
  
Heidi doesn't like that. "No, nu-uh, don't start with all that shit, Jacqueline. Don't sell yourself short. She's unbelievably lucky to have you in her life, girl. I know I am!" Heidi's words cut through sharp and as much as Jackie feels like it's not true, as much as her mind is telling her that she is less than, she also can't help but believe Heidi. After all, she had never lied to Jackie before.  
  
Jackie smiles soft, nods her head. "Thanks. I'll figure it all out." Jackie goes in for a short hug, that Heidi gladly accepts.  
  
\- - - - - - - -   
  
Jackie doesn't come to school one day.   
  
It's a very not-Jackie thing to do, she hasn't missed a day of school in at least 2 years. But when Jackie blinks her eyes open in the morning, immediately her head and her heart feel heavy like bricks in her body. Her knees feel like paper when she finally drags herself into the bathroom, and as soon as she sees herself she feels her brain clawing at her eyes, telling her to stop looking.  
  
She tells her mother she feels like she might vomit. It's not really a lie, it's just for different reasons than her mother thinks. She's granted permission to stay home. She skips over a cup of coffee and just lays in her bed, curls in on herself and listens to the buzzing inside her skull.  
  
It's the same two thoughts on repeat, thudding against her skull as they demand to be focuses on.  
  
_You're not enough. Jan deserves better. You're not enough. Jan deserves better._  
  
The day is blurry and quick. There's tears at one point, that leave a little damp pool on the pillow against Jackie's cheeks. Her mom leaves her some snacks but they're barely touched. She falls asleep for a little longer, hopes maybe when she wakes again she'll feel better, but her eyes flutter open and nothing is better. Her cheeks are still covered in dry tears and her head only hurts more. By the time that school is letting out, Jackie has only gotten out of bed twice, both to go to the bathroom, and she hasn't even brushed her hair.  
  
She is, however, glad that Jan isn't there to see her crack. Jackie has tried to be someone strong for Jan. Every time Jan's shell was cracked open and the world decided not to be so nice, Jackie would be there to pick up the pieces and put them back together. She wanted to be there for Jan, a source of safety to protect her from the wrongdoings of the universe around them. This Jackie, that is low and gloomy and crying in her bed is not the Jackie that Jan deserves.  
  
Jackie must have thought herself back to sleep, because her eyes flutter open and the last light of day is draining from her room. She rubs her eyes, turns over in her bed and is met by concerned brown eyes.  
  
"Jan?"  
  
Jan is sitting on the edge of Jackie's bed, and has a sympathetic half-smile on her face. Her hand reaches out to brush brown hairs out of Jackie's face. "Hey, sleeping beauty. How are you feeling?"  
  
Jackie grabs at the sheets, pulls them over herself to cover her body, as if she's scared Jan will see her and be disgusted. She realizes that probably wont happen, Jan has seen her in shorts and a t-shirt many times. She doesn't answer Jan's question, because it is much more loaded than the blonde thinks.  
  
The brunette sits up a bit, and the back of Jan's hand flattens against her forehead. It occurs to her now that it's Wednesday, and Jan always has practice Wednesdays. Practices that are long and wouldn't be ending until right around then. Jan isn't even wearing the usual shorts and tank top she wears for practice. She's wearing Jackie's flannel, actually, with a pair of jeans and a messy bun and she does look beautiful, but Jackie is confused why she's there.   
  
"What are you doing here? Don't you...don't you have practice today?"  
  
"I didn't go. You weren't at school and I got worried." Jan retracts her hand, folds it with the other in her lap. "You didn't answer my question, though. How are _you_ feeling?"   
  
Jackie bites her lip, she really doesn't want to answer. No, she does, she's more scared to answer. She can spill her thoughts and feelings to Heidi with ease because it's Heidi, easy to talk to, trustworthy, not-the-girl-she's-in-love-with Heidi. But Jan deserves the know, and Jackie thinks she can muster up the courage to open up at least a little.  
  
"If i'm being honest? Not great."  
  
Jan frowns, and Jackie instantly wants to take those words back. But she's opened a wound now, and her mouth is flooding with words.   
  
"I feel so..not great about myself today. And a lot of days. It's like...this immense feeling of being less. Less attractive, less interesting. Like i'm just...boring, plain ole' Jackie who spends all my time studying. And you...you're just so perfect, you know? And you're here with me, who's very much not perfect, and it just...doesn't seem fair to you."   
  
Jackie lets out a shaky breath, fights back tears with tight closed eyes, and doesn't dare open them until she feels a soft hand undo her clenched fist and intertwine their fingers instead. She looks up, and Jan just has an unexpected warm look on her face. It's like she's looking at a beautiful piece of art, but there's sad undertones, with the way her eyebrows upturn and she bites down on her bottom lip.   
  
"Jackie. You're fucking gorgeous." Jan's breathes out, like she's in disbelief that these things are in Jackie's head. "And you are the most interesting person i've ever met. I don't care that you spend a lot of time studying, you're smart and you just have all of these amazing thoughts in your head." Jan is turned more towards her and is now gripping both of her hands, speaking to her with so much passion that leaves Jackie breathless as if she's the one saying it.  
  
"Jackie, you are perfect. You are perfect to me because you are you. That's all that matters, okay?"   
  
Jackie's eyes are watering, but she nods her head. Jackie didn't even know she needed to hear those words, didn't know she needed to hear them from Jan's mouth specifically, until they hit her ears and sink in to her brain and heart and soul. Jackie squeezes Jan's hands softly, and she just doesn't know what to say. But then, she doesn't have to, because Jan already gets it and is scooting into the spot beside her, and wrapping her arms around Jackie so the brunette can hide her face in Jan's neck. It's the first time Jan is the one doing the comforting, and Jackie is actually very okay with it.   
  
Jackie isn't great with the whole love thing, but she thinks maybe Jan might just be the right one.


End file.
